I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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