Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
