Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
