i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
