I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
