I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
