Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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