I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
