Have you finally orgasmed yet?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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