Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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