WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
