i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Randomize
