Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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