we have pet lesbian snakes
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
