I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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