i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
