I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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