I'm gonna have a badass scar
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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