I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
They have beer where we have blood.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
