There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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