every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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