why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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