Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We're too hungover to prance.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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