i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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