I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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