As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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