I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
