from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
