you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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