im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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