Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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