You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
