I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
