I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
