that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
