I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
