So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
