They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize