he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize