My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
