I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
