Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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