Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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