How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
