Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize