I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
