All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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