I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
