How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
