the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
