Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
