Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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