So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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