i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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