how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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