oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
